Searching for Love

"Love is a terrible thing: I've seen my friends suffer and I don't want the same thing happen to me. They used to laugh at me, at my innocence, but now they ask me how I manage being single so well. I smile and say nothing, because I know that the remedy is worse than the pain---I simply don't fall in love."
-Maria, Eleven Minutes

Well, I have...no, I had! If you'll ask me how many times I fell in love -that includes being hurt- I'd say once, deeply. It had been four years since I started loving that person, and I realized that love would soon fade away once you're hurt,no matter how great it was. And after experiencing those pangs in your life, you would soon grasp the idea that the next possible thing to do is to left them alone, let go, and start the long process of moving on.

But every promise of letting go is embodied by new chances of finding new love. I always pray to God that He may show me the path to the real deal. And just as requested, He did. Cause out of billions of people on Earth, He showed me the way to "you". It has always been a blast meeting you...at the same time, a learning. My experience being with you leads me to a know-how incident I can now handle.

But fate seems to interrupt when I had love at its best. It may let me see the means of falling in love but it also may let me prove that what I believed all this time was wrong. That's what I learned when we endure the twinge of staying away from each other. I almost had you...and I almost got hurt again.

Good thing I used my head, for the first time. Good thing I recognize the notion that you don't love me after all. I guess that just how it works...it's easy for you to love two persons at the same time. You know what, it's like wearing a pair of two different shoes...you can, but it doesn't look good. That's why I started drifting myself away from the upsetting relationship we once had. I made a choice, and it didn't fail me.

I used to think that it hurts when I lost each of the various people I fell in love with. Now though, I am convinced that no one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone. That is the true essence of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it.

And all I could think of now is the idea that I never got hurt when I lost you, because I never did love you after all. What made me think about this was when I began to understand that I had reached my limit, and that I couldn't stand living with you anymore. I just can't stand it...when you think of someone when we're together. I guess this is my aim---to understand love and not to be used as an escape from love loss. You don't need me...and I must be free in order for me to go on with my life.

Thanks, anyway, for everything. I learned a lot! I want to dedicate this song for you. It's called "New Perspective" by Panic! At the Disco. I just hope you'll get what I mean cause I really think this song was really for me...for us.

Panic! At The Disco
New Perspective

I feel the salty waves come in
I feel them crash against my skin
And I smile as I respire because I know they'll never win
There's a haze above my TV
That changes everything I see
And maybe if I continue watching
I'll lose the traits that worry me

Can we fast-forward to go down on me?

Stop there and let me correct it
I wanna live a life from a new perspective
You come along because I love your face
And I'll admire your expensive taste
And who cares divine intervention
I wanna be praised from a new perspective
But leaving now would be a good idea
So catch me up on getting out of here

Taking everything for granted but we still respect the time
We move along with some new passion knowing everything is fine
And I would wait and watch the hours fall in a hundred separate lines
But I regain repose and wonder how I ended up inside

Can we fast-forward to go down on me?

Stop there and let me correct it
I wanna live a life from a new perspective
You come along because I love your face
And I'll admire your expensive taste
And who cares divine intervention
I wanna be praised from a new perspective
But leaving now would be a good idea
So catch me up on getting out of here
(Getting out of here)

More to the point, I need to show
How much I can come and go
Other plans fell through
And put a heavy load on you
I know there's no more that need be said
When I'm inching through your bed
Take a look around instead and watch me go

Stop there and let me correct it
I wanna live a life from a new perspective
You come along because I love your face
And I'll admire your expensive taste
And who cares divine intervention
I wanna be praised from a new perspective
But leaving now would be a good idea
So catch me up on getting out of here

It's not fair, just let me perfect it
Don't wanna live a life that was comprehensive
'Cause seeing clear would be a bad idea
Now catch me up on getting out of here
So catch me up I'm getting out of here

Just Give Me Time to Think!

Just wanna say to someone out there that...

I had waited for someone like you to enter my life. I had been counting the days of my life thinking when will you show up, and then you appeared in an instant. But here I am---afraid of getting hurt. Was it me? I'm really sorry. I really like to be with you, I'm happy being with you...I just don't know what to do! Just give me some time to clear up my mind. I'm emotionally not prepared but my heart keeps on telling me that I cant be the same again without you in my life. I hope this is enough---I like you, and I always will. I've never been this happy before. I'm really afraid. I need your help, your understanding, your care. I have come to realize that I should take the risk. If I'm happy if we're friends, how much more if we're more than friends? You're truly amazing, you're great, and everything that I could think of. Just give me some time, and I'll fix everything up.

My Unread Letters (The Big Mistake)

Well, I usually write letters for somebody I like--which was not read by anyone except myself! I mean, I cant keep these letters forever... I'm always at my best when it comes to expressing how I feel and I just want someone out there to at least, say what they think about these unread letters. Here's the first one.

To: You-Know-Who
May 22, 2008

Hi there! Its been great meeting a person like you, really. You know what, for my 15 years of living in this world, I'm still searching for the real meaning of the word happiness. Everyone does! Maybe if there's something I'm good at, it is PRETENDING.

I always pretended to be someone I'm not. I always say "I'm great..." although I'm swimming in misery and pain. I always say "I'm okay..." although I feel the opposite. Perhaps that would be the reason why I love dancing, to temporarily forget my problem. You are my problem, cause it seems that I'm admiring you more each day.

Here the big question...

How can I forget you if you are always on my mind every minute of my life? How can i say and shout that "You're extraordinary..." if fear digs my admiration? How can I continue to stare at you if your glance was never mine?

I've never felt this way before---falling for some unworthy someone who's way too perfect. The big deal here is that how can I forget you if forgetting, for me, means dying?

"Fix me, I'm broken" is a phrase I've always wanted to tell you. I want you to know that I really admire you so much that I could just spend my whole day just thinking of you, swear! But, should I?

Should I continue to admire a person who doesn't even know that I exist? Now I have made a choice, and that is to forget you even if it will cost a lifetime. What's the big mistake now? Is it going too crazy about you or admiring you so much that I forgot to love myself?

From: Me

NEVER Say Die!

Oh my gosh! I'm getting addicted to Left 4 Dead. Ive been playing it the whole week long, and I still want more. Ive discovered this game by myself and now, I'm with my friends now trying to reach the game's ending. I know we can make it, I really hope so. As long as we stay together, and say "NEVER SAY DIE", we can reach the end!